Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Mother's Guilt

I've been quite lax lately with my blog except for L's updates and such. Things just seem to have been so busy, here I was hoping to have a quieter month this March!
However I put my most of my absence down to guilt, mother's guilt. Everyone always tells you about the rush of love you feel for your baby or the feeling of total sleep deprivation almost pushing you over the edge but what was never mentioned was the guilt.

The guilt I feel for not knowing straight away what is right for my baby - It took me a few weeks to figure out that L was experiencing discomfort due to his formula brand, once we changed it he was fine, but I felt tremendous guilt for not knowing what to do sooner rather than him having to suffer on.

The guilt I feel for having to be away from L 4 days of the week for 10 hours a day to go to work. I worry that he realises I'm not around as much as Daddy (luckily the OH's job is different shifts so he would look after L a lot of the time that I'm at work). If I was in a position to work less and be at home with him more than I would definitely take advantage of that.

The guilt I feel for trying to split my time on my days off between Luke, house work, appointments, weekly errands etc I know all of these things need to be done and it's a constant juggling act on my 3 days off of trying to get everything done while he's napping or playing when all I really want to do is sit down and play or nap with him all day.

The guilt I feel for leaving him in his Nanny's for the night to go out with friends. This doesn't happen often and when it does it's always planned well in advance, I always bring him to his Nanny's, give him his dinner, a bath and put him into his pj's before he goes to bed. I always have everything ready for my Mum so she's not trying to do it all herself. I get his clothes out ready for the next day, measure his formula, pack food if necessary, set up the monitors etc. Yet still I feel guilty for 1) going out and carting him off and 2) if he has a bad night (we all know he's not the best sleeper!) that Mum will be wrecked tired the next day!

The guilt I feel for the times I get stressed with him, not at all often to be honest but there are times when my patience wears thin and for these times I carry that guilt for ages. He's a little baby how can he mean to test my patience? Of course it's not done on purpose and a lot of the times it would be more down to everyday stresses, but still.

The guilt I feel for sometimes willing the next milestone to "hurry up"! Like the first tooth because by god did he teeth hard for the first one. Or moving on to solids in the hope that maybe, just maybe it might help him to sleep better. Or the crawling so that he can follow me around rather than cry every time I leave the room and I then have to carry him. When really I should be cherishing every moment I have with him while he's this small because time is going by so fast and he is growing up so fast!

This feeling hits me most when we are having our bedtime cuddles, when I'm giving L his bottle in his room at night, chilling out together before I put him into bed as he begins to fall asleep in my arms, if I only I could just freeze those moments in time.
As I'm sure a lot of mother's do, my own personal hobbies and interests have taken a back seat while I try and find some kind of balance with our life, sometimes I get really frustrated when I can't get the million and one things I need to do done in a day!
I know a lot of the above scenarios are down to "life" and there's nothing I can do about it, I have to work, the house needs to be cleaned, yes times will be tough, not every time will my mother's instinct kick in straight away, I know it doesn't hurt for him to spend some quality time with Nanny and Grandad on an over night and when the guilt is overwhelming I try my best to remember all of this.




4 comments:

  1. Every word so very true, and would you believe I still feel guilt regularly and my children are aged from 22 to 12!

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    1. Thanks! And yes I have been assured by many people since I posted yesterday that this feeling is here to stay ;)

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  2. It's so hard and I think as parents unfortunately we are always going to feel guilty. I know that I feel guilt most days. Guilt for losing my patience too quickly, guilt for shouting, guilt because I gave her too much sweet stuff... all the time! But we are all just doing the best we can. x

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    1. Agreed Katie :) As long as we try to remember that we are doing our best than hopefully we can keep those guilt feelings at bay xo

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