Monday, 16 February 2015

One Of Those Days - Working Mum

I only posted last week about how I was finding being back at work a year on and how it's taken me the best part of a year to finally feel ok about it and the effect it has on everything else and this is the case for the most part. However there are down days and today is one of them.
Every so often I get a swamped by a rush of negative feelings, guilt, resentment, sadness and it quite literally knocks me for six.
The overwhelming guilt I felt at the start of last year not long after my return comes flooding back to me, guilty that I am not there with Luke all of the time, guilty that I wasn't there to make sure he puts his coat on and zips it right up to under his chin before he goes outside because he's had a cold and sore throat recently.
Resentment is a relatively new feeling I have, I was beginning to resent the fact that my time with Luke on my days off also had to be shared with other family members. Weekends is when he sees his Grandad and cousins and I can't keep him all to myself, I have to share him and that's fine and I wouldn't want it any other way because family is so important to me but sometimes it all get s a bit too much and I just want to shut us away for the weekend to watch Fireman Sam and nap on the couch and tip all of the toy boxes on to the floor! Today I felt resentment because for the hour and a half I had with him he cried, refused his dinner, moaned and whined for no particular reason after I had just been told by my mother and niece how good he had been all day and what fun they had all had going to see the horse and walking in the fields. Why do I have to be the one that misses out on that?
It's makes me sad that I get annoyed when we have evenings like this, where it isn't play time for that last hour and a half because thats what it usually is, that bit of time before after I get home and the bed time routine begins we all get to the floor and have some fun and play, desperately trying to get in as much quality time before my little man goes off to bed.

Somedays it just feels like I'm missing out on so much and I begin to wonder is it really worth it?
These days are few and far between but when they do come around, I would give my right arm to be able to be the stay at home Mum.

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing! I have no words to add. I can only relate :-) xxx

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  2. You are not alone hun. I went back a year and a half ago and wrote almost an identical post to this a while back. It's horrible, it's crap, it's just downright rubbish. I hope you feel better that you're not alone - there are so many of us who wish so badly that we could be a SAHM xxx

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    1. Thank you! As much as I like my job and we have somewhat of a balance between work/home life at the moment, I'd still love to have been able to have had the choice to go back to work rather than having to y;know :( xo

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  3. Oh my story is the other way. I am a stay at home mum and I worry that I am not setting a good example and I get frustrated really easily and shout. Then feel guilty because other people want to do this. I want the balance between working and motherhood that part time work would bring but is impossible in Dubai. I do feel for you xx

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    1. Thank you Laura. I expect that if I was a SAHM I would feel the exact same as you, in fact I know I would, it's so hard to find that balance isn't it? Ideally I'd love 3 days a week and shorter than 9 - 5.30pm but there's no possibility for that right now, I'm lucky to be getting 4 days as it is. xx

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