Tuesday, 21 April 2015

As I Lay Him Down To Sleep

Night time cuddles with my boy are few and far between at the moment. We've had the same bedtime routine since he was tiny, a nice bath, his bottle in his darkened bedroom with Pachbel Canon in D playing softly in the background while I sit in the rocking chair with him. Before it was a good half hour of cuddles after the bottle, these days he's no sooner finished the bottle and he says "Bed, mam" and in he goes into his cot, not a bother on him. 
A few nights ago however, after a long and fun filled day that involved family time, cupcakes and a bouncy castle he needed those Mammy cuddles to help ease his little over tired self off into the land of nod. Bedtime is my favourite part of the day, not for the usual reasons of being able to actually get things done or having 5 minutes to myself but for those few moments we have together where he's still and relaxed and wants no one but me. It's also a time where my inner lioness comes out and my protective streak is ever present
As I look down at him, shuffling into a comfy position to snuggle into me with his not 1 but 2 bears tucked under his chin, I feel a wash of panic sweep over me. As I watched his eyes get heavy, opening and closing each time he heard his Daddy going out the back door to water the garden, I fear for his future. Will he achieve everything he wants to? Will he be successful in school? Will he have good, honest, reliable friends? Will he go through his childhood years happily? I hope he's never excluded or made to feel inadequate. How can I ensure that he never has to suffer hurt or heartache or sadness needlessly?
That mother's instinct in me was on high alert as all of these thoughts rush through my head, Luke oblivious to my internal worry. 
He makes a big sigh and I can see his body relaxing that little bit more as he's slipping further into a slumber, his eyelids have stopped flickering and he is breathing at a slower pace, still tightly grasping his 2 bears.
I rub his cheek and my eyes fill up as I think about how's there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do to protect him, how being away from him to go to work 4 days a week almost kills me sometimes but knowing I'd do whatever it takes to ensure he has all he needs.
His grip on the bears has loosened and the sucking of the dummy has stopped, he's in that deep sleep now and ready to be put into his bed for the night ahead but I sit there with him just a little longer. I sit there taking in all of his loveliness, all of his innocence and I cherish this moment because I know they will soon be over. 
Slowly I stand up, keeping him tucked up in my arms and gently put him into his bed, he shuffles a little more, getting into position, I can see him feeling for his blanket so I tuck it in around him and he's out like a light. Smoothing over his hair, I steal one last kiss from him and I creep out of the room anxious for my little boy and his path in life but also happy, so wonderfully happy that he's mine.


6 comments:

  1. 'The only thing worth stealing is a kids from a sleeping child' how beautiful and how true. What a lovely post, they are so heart-achingly innocent when they sleep and your fears are all to familiar x

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    1. Thank you Elizabeth :) I was an emotional person before being a parent but even more so after having Luke, it's so overwhelming at times!xo

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  2. A beautiful post, written from the heart, perfectly describing a moment all mothers have shared. There are no doubt some ups and downs ahead for your little one, but he has you in his corner, and that will keep him strong.
    Loved this. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you, it's probably the most heartfelt post I've written to date :) If only I could I fight all of his battles for him eh?! :)

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  3. His precious sweaty head..... heart lurches x

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    1. Ha he actually had damp hair from the bath but theres always a sweaty head in the mornings :)

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